MY WORN OUT HEART

Being idle for a while from any social media makes me pounder real hard. All this while, I thought I has been patience enough to deal with this. But no I have not. I was very fragile, easily get tempered, selfish, badass, had always seen things in negative way and ego to someone I really care about. For that, I am truthfully apologize from the deepest bottom of my heart. 

I forgot I have the whole world to live up my life. I have my always-concern-parents, siblings to seek help and friends to share. And the most important thing, I have my only ONE creator that I should worshipped and turn to anytime for my whole life. Allah would never leave me behind, would always be there to light up my path, always listen to my prayer, keeps on remind me when I started to astray and always protect me in a way that I thought bad but that is what have been safe keeping my dignity as a true muslimah.

Now I can see how Allah loves me so much. Has been given me a chance to be happy even for a while but when I started to be neglectful, with all the loves, Allah remind and take my hand gently to the right path.

To someone that has been appeared and cheered up my life even just for a while. I am really appreciate your existence for being there to make me feel like it has been mutual and I am matter in this world even I am aware the truth is, it is all the way one sided. The thing that I felt inside my heart for that moment is priceless and I would not regret having it. However, I have to keep it and lock it with the key thrown away in a safe box hidden inside my worn out heart. Because I could not afford to bear another disappointments. For the time being, I leave everything to Allah to decide and give me the best answer for sake of my future . With all my heart, I would painfully embrace anything that had been written in my book of destiny. 

Worst or Best. 

Painful or Happiness.

So dear my worn out heart, please be patience. 

Allah would never disappointed someone with a good thought towards Him and a patient heart.

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DOA SEORANG HAMBA

 Ya Allah, Tuhan yang Maha Penyayang lagi Maha Pengasihani.

Aku berdoa bersungguh-sungguh kepada Mu Ya Allah, agar Engkau dapat mengurniakan jodoh yang terbaik buat hambaMu ini.

Jodoh yang walau tak sempurna, namun ikhlas, jujur dan bertanggungjawab untuk menyempurnakan hidup ku di dunia hingga ke Jannah.

Walau siapa pun dia, asalnya, sikapnya, rupanya, keturunannya, aku yakin jika dia jodoh yang sudah tertulis sejak azali, kau pertemukanlah kami jika bukan di dunia, di akhirat kelak.

jika dia tak baik, kau baikkanlah dia utk Aku

jika dia kurang beriman, bertaqwa dan beramal soleh, kau perbaikilah keimanan, ketaqwaannya untuk Aku

jika hatinya tidak tetap, kau tetapkanlah hati dia untuk Aku

jika dia ragu-ragu, kau mantapkanlah keyakinan dia untuk Aku

jika dia tiada perasaan rindu, kau pupuklah perasaan rindunya untuk Aku

jika dia marah, kau tenangkanlah dia untuk Aku

jika dia buntu, kau berikanlah dia petunjuk dan hidayah Mu untuk Aku

jika dia lemah, kau kuatkanlah jiwanya untuk Aku

jika dia sakit, kau sembuhkanlah dia untuk Aku

jika dia kesempitan, kau lapangkanlah masa dan rezekinya untuk Aku

Sesungguhnya hanya Engkau yang mampu memberi petunjuk dan hidayah kepada Hamba-Mu,

pemilik mutlak nyawa dan hati seluruh makhluk di dunia ini.

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THE VIRTUAL ME

 I might not have thousands followers or following thousands account users cause my little circle is what I am comfortable with

I might not have thousands of likes or thousands of views cause I choose to be humble with my lame and not outstanding profile

I might not have fancy stories to share everyday cause it is best to be reserved and I choose to share only with my trust persons in my real world

I might not like or leave comment but deep down I always pray for the best for what you have shared

I might not have many fascinated photos to share cause I care about the people who less fortunate

I might not immediately up my status just to expose or share how deep my thought is cause in the end of the day no one really care

I might not immediately view the pop up status/stories because seen their wonderful life could turn me into ungrateful person

I am just me, not entangled inside those virtual medium that believe made up to connect people but in fact it is toxication cause I believe the real world is much more honest and beautiful for us to be in 

Do not valuate/judge my personality through how I interact in social media because the REAL ME IS OUT HERE IN OUR REAL WORLD

LET SHARE MORE IN OUR REAL WORLD

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A THOUGHTFUL REMINDER FROM A SISTER

 

One fine day, an amazing not related blood sister of mine had shared with me some thoughtful reminder that had awaken me from such a long sleep. About something that she did not has experienced herself but through her reading, she has been learnt a lot. We have shared things that we never learn from school or from any education institute. It is very subjective and everyone can has their own thought about that. No right or wrong answer.

Ya Allah, aku memohon agar memilih mana yang baik menurut Engkau ya Allah.

Aku juga memohon diberikan kepastian dengan ketentuanMu dan aku memohon dengan kemurahanMu Tuhan yang Maha Agung

Sesungguhnya Engkau Tuhan yang Berkuasa, sedangkan aku tidak tahu. Engkau Tuhan yang amat mengetahui segala sesuatu yang masih tersembunyi.

Ya Allah! Jika menurut pendapatMu urusan ini, memberi kebaikan bagiku untuk agamaku, kehidupanku, dan pekerjaanku, maka takdirkanlah ia bagiku dan berkatilah ia padaku.

Jika menurut pengetahuanMu bahawa urusan ini, memberi keburukan bagiku untuk agamaku, kehidupanku dan pekerjaanku, maka ku mohon agar Engkau jauhkan ia daripadaku dan kurniakanlah bagiku hanya kebaikan di mana sahaja aku berada.

Jadilah aku orang yang redha atas anugerahMu.

(Rekod Imam al-Bukhari)

Kalau dia baik untuk akak mesti Allah tetapkan untuk akak

 

Dipermudahkan atau dipersulitkan

 

Tak boleh bergantung pada mimpi ya

kena buat istikharah banyak kali

Sampai hati rasa lembik, jangan pernah bosan untuk terus mengharapkan jawapan padaNya

 

Dan hati kena betul-betul kosong dan tidak condong mana-mana belah

 

Jangan pernah fikir kita buat tak dapat jawapan

 

Sebab hak kita untuk buat istikharah tu

 

Dan hak Allah untuk bagi petunjuk macam mana cara sekali pun

 

Yakin

 

Ketika hatimu terlalu berharap kepada seseorang. Maka Allah timpakan ke atas kamu pedihnya sebuah pengharapan supaya kamu mengetahui bahawa Allah sangat mencemburui hati yang berharap selain Dia. Maka Allah menghalangi mu daripada perkara tersebut. Agar kamu kembali berharap kepadaNya.

 

Sentiasa ingat yang Allah takkan pernah mengecewakan fikiran yang baik dan hati yang sabar.

 

Kita doa sama-sama

 

Sebab hati kita ni lemah

 

Seringkali bergantung pada makhluk

 

Sedangkan yang pegang hati kita ni Allah sahaja kak

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THE DENIAL NOTES

 Hi guys, it has been a while. I Miss you so much. I had a problem before with my blog. Fortunately, it was just that I forgot which account I used for this wonderful blog.

So today, I would like to share my thought that I have kept for a week. 

First of all, I just don’t know how to put this kind of bizarre feeling into words. My keyboard seems dusty without being used for a while. I was busy handling my emotional breakdown recently. Every night anticipates to be delighted but it’s seemed faded away. 

Day after day, it will be gone forever together with untouchable, unforeseen, and invisible one-sided feelings.  I just wanted to make this note longer and more fascinating to be read. As a memory to be kept in here and not to be forgotten forever. This note must be clear, concise, understandable, and transparent to touch the reader’s heart. What is wrong with me, that is the right question to ask as an introduction to this note. 

I have told myself one fine day. Just let your heart lead the way. Stop hindering your feeling. Giving yourself a chance to love without being loved is insane. No one ever wanted to be chosen as one. It is going to hurt badly but believe me you have been chosen and destined to be born just to be hurt because Allah wanted you to gain as many Pahala as you can with your patience, sacrifice, and pain you’ve been put through.  

You are deserving to get what your heart needs. I know you have had the worst experience ever but it doesn’t mean you don’t stand a chance to embrace happiness. However, everyone knows waiting is the last thing to have existed in one’s life full of agony, heart-wrenching, and horrible pain. I have let myself weep over this, but my tears seem to dry out. Together with my brittle hopes. This note is a way to avoid me from writing ridiculous statuses that might raise the temptation of netizens to spread the wrong assumption which could lead me into deep misery.

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Episode 7: Lunatic Obsessive Admirer Part 3

Happy New Year 2019 to all my beloved readers. Before I continue with my Episode 7, let me first wishing all of you a very wonderful, blissful, prosperous and wealthy year ahead. No matter who you are, where you are and what you are, I hope all the happiness would always be with you.

Without further due, this is my Episode 7. FYI, this episode actually happened about 2 months after episode 6 taken place.

It was almost about 2 months after our last meeting was held in alor setar, kedah...since then, I didn't know if I'd have any other chance to meet him...but today, 9/3/18, I was surprised to receive an invitation letter to a meeting on 14/3/2018 in putrajaya...and of course our company beloved surveyor is also invited...😁😁😘

I really wanted to go but it will be held in putrajaya...as our company policy is to cut cost as many as possible so I think, kak hana will be the one appointed to attend the meeting...because she is in kl so my company doesnt have to waste the cost for my flight ticket if I have to go...so logically, i'd never go...😢😢

I feel relieved and sad at the same time...relieved because I dont have to  go to kl and I dont have to spend my money for taxi fare...😉😉

And also sad because I dont have the chance to meet my crush for the last time...to be frankly, I miss him so much... 😫😫 I'd been waiting for this upcoming call for meeting  but unfortunately I couldnt make it to the meeting...im sorry my beloved crush, i'd never see u again....our meeting seem to not have any proper goodbye....so that is it...

That is the story of a lunatic obsessive admirer....so sad, It doesnt have a happy ending or even a proper ending...everything seem unclear untill now

By today 12/3/2018...it had been confirmed that im not going to attend the meeting in bpsp...the person that appointed to attend is k.hana...so I am relieved and sad at the same time...relieved cause I dont have to spend my money for taxi fare but sad cause I cant see my crush 😢😢😫

Nevermind, its ok...i'm ok...perhaps, he really2 not the one i'd been waiting for...yeahh, he really not the one 😖😭

A few days later, I was informed from my senior engineer who had attended the meeting...he was not attended...he was not there...so there was a hikmah for me for not attended that meeting...

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Episode 6: Lunatic Obsessive Admirer Part 2

It's been a hectic this week...with so many works need to be done at the same time...when the deadline is on the same day, I have to fight nails and tooth just to meet the deadline...by hook or by crook he said I have to finish it...no matter how your body suffered, with lack of rest and unproper meals, I have to bear...in the end, I made it...how relieved I was when I clicked on the send button...😚😰

So thats it...enough with my work, let us continue with the main entry, the main characters and the main story...so today is my Episode 6

Today, he really came for the meeting...ayu wasn't come..he came with his colleague...at first, I was nervous..but when I saw him looked so smart in his blue shirt (same colour with my tudung surprisingly) with his neat combed hair...I was amazed...in my heart, I'd say 'handsome nye dia'.

What make me blushed was when he sat next to me in the meeting...I didn't look at him cause I was so nervous...and that moment, how I wished I am pretty and younger...👧

The meeting that supposed to be ended in the afternoon around 12 was continued untill evening...I was happy actually because the time we were together was longer than I thought...despite of felt bored and burden, I felt delighted...but he didn't like it..he just wanted to go back ASAP...for me the longer he was here the happier I felt...we lunch together, discussed together and I was happy to talk with him...what made me surprised was when we discussed about a few lot with issue there was a place where unforgetable moment happened as he was the one saving my flown away plan in the rain...when the chairman talked about that lot, he immediately whispered to me...is that the place while we were checking the lot, a big tractor appeared...I just smiled and nodded to him...in my heart, I said oh my god, he still remember that moment...where after the big tractor appeared, while I was trying to run away from the tractor, my plan was flown away and he was the one who picked up and handed me that plan...once again I felt so happy...

After the meeting, I just wanted to sent him off...saying goodbye..but I was being held by en. Faredzul, MADA officer...he kept talking with me and abg kerul...talked about the work and all his ex superior who turned out to be my superior which were dato' Loh and Mr. Chiang...I thought that he would went back already cause the talking took about 15 minutes...but when I stepped out from JPS office, I took a glanced toward the parking lot just in front of the office, I could see his white car was still there...I was sooo happy...😍😘😊

He was in the driver seat, the door was wide open...his friend was standing outside of the car smoking...i can see him trying to switched on the engine but it didn't worked...in my heart once again I whispered...is this what people call destiny...😍😍 I walked slowly to my car that I parked just next to his car and put my bag inside..then I went to his car tried to check what happened...he was trying to switched on the engine..the way he trying to insert the key into the key panel, trying to rotate the key again and again was so cool...I was like...oh my god, he looked awesome, stylish and very manly...I had to calm down cause I didn't want anybody to see my blushing face...I was smilling broadly inside my heart...

After a few unsuccessful attempt to switched on the car, abg kerul offered him to find any close by mechanic, so we left them and I drove my car to help them find a mechanic...but half way out, he called and told abg kerul that the car can be started...so I just left and still didn't had the opportunity to say goodbye...if this is not the end, I would love to see him again...I really love that...all the way back to office, I was smilling, but I had to controlled not to be seen by abg kerul...

In the office, I felt like I want to dance...i
 danced a bit fyi 😆😆  cause I was so happy...it had been a long time I didn't felt this kind of feeling...having this feeling again was so good even tho it was only a one sided feeling...😍😘😍

And that night, around 9...I made a bold attempt to text him to ask about his car...I was doubted at first whether to text him or not...my heart was beating so hard when I tried to touch the sent button...and I thought o myself, if it wasn't now, I might not having any opportunity in the future...so I touched the sent button and  I immediately threw my phone away cause I was ashame...a few minutes later, he replied...I was so happy...we texting to each other about 2 hours...a few things we had chatted and it was a good chat...😁😁 I know this might be the first and the last time I can chat with him..after this, I really don't know what the reason to text him...😢😢 I dont want to be greedy keep wanted more but I really really hope that this is not the end...I knew I really had fall in love with this guy...he had all the criteria of my dream guy...if he is not the one...perhaps I can meet someone who exactly just like him...but I really hope that he is the one...hopefully 😆😆😆

People say, it is better to be rejected rather than not trying to do anything...I know exactly what I need to do if I'd be rejected...yeah, I might be sad for a moment but I used with it...the problem is, I really dont know what I should do if i'd be accepted...so what are u waiting for, tell him how you had been felt about him...confess to him..its seem so simple, but it is actually harder to share whats in my heart...i might create a big, strong wall between us if I confess..things won't be the same anymore...I am so scare with the consequent afterwards...destiny, right now I need your help...please play your role...I really need you to bring us back together again...I was so tired being dump a thousand time...



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