BadDay Post

Assalamualaikum wbt.

I hope you all have a great day ahead. Today is my special day for me, and I would like to make a cliche speech to congratulate my parents for raising a magnificient daughter. I would never be here without their incredible support system for the past decades. I would like to thank my siblings for their tolerance, guidance, help and motivational words, which make me stronger every day. And foremost, I would like to say Alhamdulillah to my stronghold creator wo has guided me through thick nad thin in life. I have been through various test from the smallest to the biggest, and I am grateful for each of them. Without those tests, I would not have grown more than ever, Not only has my physical been strengthened, but the most crucial is my soul. Even though it has been shattered, I have explored many fabulous and amazing things ahead.

However, with those happy and delightful memories, I would also like to share how I am feeling now, the real feeling. Actually, I do not feel so fine. Seeing my friends of the same age sending off their cute, adorable children to school makes me realize how slow my life has been. I am supposed to experience the same phase, but I could not make it happen. Birthdays should be a memorable day; having a coffee date at least, but I have never had that kind of birthday date. It is sad, but I believe it is filled with blessings in disguise.

Sabar, Sabar dan Sabar....Those are the only words that can help me get through this.

InshaaAllah, more glorious moment are coming up. Have faith in your Creator...

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HAPPY WORKING SATUR.DAY

 Saturday for me is a saturated excitement and escape weekend but somehow, there is a day in a month that require me to stick my eyes to the screen. It's a training day. So here I am for today, I am working.

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DEEP CONVERSATION WITH MR. I

Recently, I became aware that Mr. I was trying to have a deep conversation with me. He gave me quotes, advice, and fun facts, which made me feel like he was really into me (I know, it's a bit conceited of me).

I think Mr. I is really cute, and his conversations always make me smile from dawn until sunset. However, recently our conversations have turned into something more serious and complex. They are full of disappointment, heartbreak, narcissism, and misunderstandings. I cannot bear to receive all of these negative feelings, which leave me feeling suffocated and with a heavy heart. My heart feels like an empty space that is weighed down by an indescribable burden.

I have no heart to offer. I lost it in my journey, and it's been a long, lonely road. It is empty, but the burden it carries is massive.

Thanks to ChatGPT for providing me with better words.

. 

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Aidilfitri 2022 (Syawal 1443H)

Today is 27th Syawal, fast forward from the unexpected first day of raya. There were a lot of photos I wanna share from day 30 Ramadhan 1443H until day 7 Syawal 1443H. But I am more comfortable to share in here. So dear my beloved reader(s), stalker or maybe secret admirer (ade ke? 😅) out there if you happened to read my entry. I guess you are lucky enough. I am not sharing my raya photos anywhere else, neither in IG, nor in FB or in Whatsapp.

My journey way back to kampung in Kg. Keseng, Kuala Besar had taken place a day before unexpected date of raya was announced the night before. We left Sungkai after dawn at 8.00am on 1 May 2022. Luckily, we left earlier that morning. Packed up all the baju raya and then, loaded in car after Subuh. The weather that morning is very beautiful, with the sun shone brightly and the heat as calm as it seem. It was a very smooth journey. We chose to use alternative route rather than usual expressway to avoid traffic congestion which might slowed down our journey. And Alhamdulillah, our wise choice never been wrong. We arrived at Kampung after 12 hours trip. Let us stop writing and let us start uploading my favourite raya photos. 

These are the photos before our departure on 30 Ramadhan 1443H (1 May 2022). Just in front our lovely "Villa"

These are the photos on the first day of Raya 1 Syawal 1443H (2 May 2022). I was with my third youngest cousin, Azraf and also with my ayahcik's family and maklang. Actually, I have proposed my family the theme colour for raya this year was white but my sister did not approved so that was why the white has change to increase its intensity a bit to nude gold. (Maybe I can reuse this baju raya for my "Bertunang" or maybe "akad nikah"...Aminnnn hehehe 😁)

These are the photos that we have made time to visit our close relatives around Kota Bharu. We have made to visit a total of 4 houses for that day. They are my granny's besan & siblings which are my Tok2 saudara.

House No. 1

House No. 2

House No. 3

House No. 4

This is a special selfie photo with my adorable Makteh

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PENAT

 

If you feel alone, exhausted, hurt, abandoned, ignored, isolated. 

Instead of 

screaming out loud, 

listening to loud music 

or 

self-destructed yourself. 

It is way better to return to our Creator, Allah. He is the only one way out alive. Take your ablution, lay out your sejadah and pray. the calmness will definitely come afterward. InshaaAllah....

And then, take a rest, have a short nap.

Peacefully indulge your destiny that may come even it is bitter and hard to be swallowed. 

Setiap kali perasaan tu datang menerpa bagaikan taufan entah dari mana, setiap kali tu juga aku menarik nafas panjang, sambil melepaskannya perlahan-lahan, aku bagi tau diri aku.

“Ya Allah, izinkan aku berdamai dengan ketentuan takdirMu dengan mengorbankan perasaan aku sendiri jika itu yang terbaik untuk aku. Aku rela bersedih hari2 pun tak apa asalkan aku tak membuat sesuatu yg Kau murkai”. 

 

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KENYATAAN YANG TAK PERNAH SIAPA PUN PEDULI

Dah tiba masa untuk aku luahkan apa yang aku pendam selama ni. Sekali lagi aku tumpas. Sekali lagi aku kalah dengan perasaan hati aku sendiri. Aku pun tak pasti bila perasaan ini mula bersarang dalam lubuk hati. Dengan hati2, aku sorok, sembunyikan sehabis baik supaya tiada siapa yang terluka. Malang tidak berbau. Akhirnya, aku sendiri yang terkorban. Cuba menahan apa yang fitrah tu mustahil. Manusia dicipta penuh dengan emosi, perasaan hati, dan jiwa yang halus

Aku ingat segalanya mudah. Rupanya kisah yang aku tunggu2 dan nantikan sepanjang hidup aku adalah satu kisah yang tak memberi makna kepada sesiapa pun. Hanya kisah yang berkisarkan aku dan perasaan aku sahaja. Adakah aku yg merumitkan keadaan. Aku adalah insan yang paling ringkas di atas dunia ni. Sejak dari awal aku tak pernah meletakkan apa2 kriteria tertentu. Tak mengharapkan bulan dan bintang, harta dunia. Tapi apa yg aku inginkan hanya keikhlasan, ketulusan untuk menjadikan aku penting dalam hidup seseorang hanya kerana Allah. Tapi apa yang aku dapat hanya kekeliruan yang membuat aku rasa tidak penting.

Kalau berputus asa itu lebih membahagiakan. Kalau mendiamkan diri tu lebih melegakan. Kalau terus berprasangka itu adalah jawapan untuk segalanya. Anggaplah aku apa sahaja aku terima dengan hati yang sayu. Hanya Allah yang tahu apa yang aku simpan selama ni. Cuba untuk membuat sesuatu yang betul tu amat jerih. Aku mungkin kelihatan tenteram seperti tiada perasaan. Tapi tangis, sedih, kecewa dan sendu aku bila bersendiri tiada siapa yang peduli atau ambil tahu, dan hanya Allah yang memahami.

Sudah terbiasa dengan air mata bila bersendiri, yang bertindak bagai bahan bakar untuk aku tutupi gelojak hati dan perasaan aku bila berhadapan dengan manusia. Dalam keheningan, aku masih mencari2. Dia yang tidak pernah atau tidak mahu tahu apa yang aku rasai. 

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SEBENARNYA....SESUNGGUHNYA, AKU REDHA DAN IKHLAS

 

Sebenarnya....hati ini CINTA kepada Mu

Sebenarnya...diri ini RINDU kepada Mu

Tapi aku tidak mengerti mengapa cinta masih tak hadir

Tapi aku tidak mengerti mengapa rindu belum berbunga

Chorus (C/O)

sesungguhnya, walau ku kutip semua permata di dasar lautan

sesungguhnya, walau ku siram dengan air hujan dari tujuh langit Mu

Namun cinta takkan hadir, namun rindu takkan berbunga

Ku cuba menghulurkan sebuah hadiah kepada Mu

Tapi mungkin kerana isinya tidak sempurna tiada seri

ku cuba menyiramkan agar tumbuh dan bebunga

tapi mungkin kerana airnya tidak sesegar telaga kausar

C/O

Jika tidak megharap rahmat Mu

Jika tidak menagih simpati

Pada Mu Ya Allah

Tuhan hadiahkanlah kasih Mu kepada ku

Tuhan kurniakanlah rindu ku kepada Mu

Moga ku tahu syukur ku adalah milik Mu  

SESUNGGUHNYA - ALIF & RAIHAN

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